The proverbial can of worms has proved to be the easiest thing to open, judging by the plethora of events that have stormed the public bastions over the past few weeks. While cricket has largely dominated the eyeballs, a few other games which had been simmering alongside, have now boiled over and taken the centre stage. So how exactly does one open a can of worms in the most public manner possible, in just a few easy steps? The essential premise is to believe that you are god, or above the law, actually a law unto yourself and that no one can touch you, as you are hovering so far above them all.
Identify the can of worms. Choose the one most juicy, most rampant and most likely to catch the public eye; popular categories being sports, politics, business, all of which can be made more interesting with a hint of spicy scandal. Identify your opponents. These might be celebrities, always useful as they are already in the limelight or people who are more popular, wealthier, bluer-blooded or merely better looking than you are. Pull the rug from under their feet by all means, but make sure that you are not standing on the selfsame rug yourself. The tumble in such a case can be embarrassing, even fatal, at times.
Begin crawling up the social ladder, rubbing out evidence of any base intentions, and whitewash your actions till squeaky clean. Use every foothold you can, even if it means stepping on your best friend’s back. In addition, as an old sage said, be nice to people on your way up. You never know when you’ll meet them next, maybe on your way down.
Filthy lucre talks loud and clear, and is the easiest medium to make friends with. Make sure you throw money around in such a way that it bounces back, destroying enemies by making fair-weather friends of them. However, if they are not in an actual position of power, just squash them underfoot, making sure not to lift your foot up thereafter.
VIPs are crucial to your plan of action. Overwhelm them with your smarmy generosity, chuckling evilly within, pick up all their tabs, walk their dogs, buy gifts for their loved ones, and watch your future open out magically. Feather your nest discreetly. Never put all your eggs in one basket, place them in different nests like the cuckoo, and stow them so far away that you yourself need a reminder to locate them discreetly in the future. Make sure that there are so many layers of subterfuge that even the most avid newshound gets tired of digging for that particular bone, however juicy.
Put down your misdeeds in writing! Now that pen and paper are a thing of the past, and the World Wide Web is waiting to swallow you whole, go ahead and exhibit your opinions for all and sundry to read. Make your entries salacious and mind boggling enough to buttonhole your readers. And always choose a topic that is capable of snowballing into a huge controversy.
Finally, if you want to avoid all the above steps and slam that can open, just tweet! Tweeting, if not done with utmost care, should be left to birds, or the bird brained, and one tweet can prove lethal! So open your blog, put down that momentous tweet, and sit back to watch the worms slither in sheer glee across your page, to take over your whole life as well! Congratulations! You have just joined the league of Tweeters Anonymous! And you didn’t even need a simple can opener!
11th May 2010- The New Indian Express