The Cornucopia of Auto Drivers! Post 2 #MyFriendAlexa




Travelling by autos has always been a piquant exercise. In Chennai, I would get into metre-less autos and haggle my way to my destination. By the end of my journey, I would emerge, bedraggled and much the worse for wear, with a purse that was considerably lighter than before. My Tamil-speaking skills improved as I got better at describing where I wanted to go and how much I was willing to pay. The firmer the tone, the better!

When we shifted, bag and baggage to Thrissur, things changed dramatically. No longer did I have to haggle over the fare, for here, not only were the distances more manageable, but there were efficient metres that worked to perfection.

Hence, I could spend my daily drives enjoying the scenery outside, or observing the oddities of the auto drivers. The latter categories were mind-boggling, and caused me no end of entertainment.  I have tried to list them in almost alphabetical order! So, hang on to your hats, worthy folk, for here we go! 


Autorickshaw - Bandcamp

Auto drivers in all their glory!

1.      The bleater, who begins to whine about the fare even before you have parked yourself in his auto, and carries on assailing your eardrums till the very end. By which time, you are so frazzled that you quickly pay him whatever he asks for just so that you can be rid of the endless goat-like sounds.

2.      The beeper, who continuously uses his horn, a loud obnoxious creature with a mind of its own, to startle people off the road, or to make up for the lack of a suitable music system. Talk about blowing your own trumpet!



indiamart.com

3.      The creeper, who considers himself a bit of a houseplant and sticks around, even after you have reached your destination, insisting that he can take you places, regardless of whether you want to go or not.

4.      The cheapster, who invites you in with a fawning gesture and then starts bargaining, generally referring to the hike in petrol prices (Blame the govt for that!), the distance involved, the speed breakers and the potholes which grow in proportion every time he describes them. Once he has taken you for a ride, he takes you once again for a ride, saying. "Metre kharab hai!"


zoomcar autowala

5.      The eater who chews away to glory, shaking his head in blissful abandon, while you hope that he will keep his eyes peeled on the road and his garlic-laden breath at more than arm’s length. His excuse? Madam, not eaten breakfast, lunch, dinner, depending on the time of day.

6.      The greeter who hails you with a cheery Good Morning, Namaste or Pinnendha Vishesham (What’s the latest?) and continues to try and keep you in a cheerful frame of mind, hoping against hope, for an extra ten bucks for sunshiny behaviour.



7.      The keeper is that amazing auto driver who impresses you so much on the first trip that you want to keep him for all your trips out. He is polite, keeps his vehicles clean and attractive, drives carefully avoiding potholes, and gives you the exact change. Had he a hat, he would tip it as well.

123RF.com


8.      Then emerges the leaper, who is highly excitable. He leaps off his seat at the drop of a hat, and strides towards the adjacent vehicle which may have just missed grazing his auto, shouting volleys of abuses and shaking his fists.  Unfortunately, you never know when one of these is going to pull a Nagavalli or a Manjulika on you. (The references are to the original Malayalam movie, Manichitra Thazhu, and its Hindi remake, Bhool Bhullaiya).



9.      A surreptitious eye, sly glances thrown at the mirror that has been tilted just so, and a distracted air are all signs of a peeper. The darting eyes give him away. He is a specimen to be avoided at any cost.

10.  The preener is the other extreme. He places mirrors on every side of the auto. I once got into an ornately-done up auto which had two mirrors on the side facing the driver, two mirrors that faced the road and one huge mirror in which the driver could admire his own mug. There he sat, admiring himself, stroking his moustache once in a while, thankfully when there was a break in the traffic.

11.  The garrulous ones are the most difficult to endure. You come across a repeater who says one thing and drones on like a stuck record, saying the same thing over and over again. Thoughts of murder come easy at such moments.


                                     
Flickr

12.  An auto is actually a rather small vehicle. However, there is the ambitious driver who considers himself the most efficient ‘seater’, a coinage of mine. He packs his passengers like sardines, cramming every inch of his vehicle with bodies, perspiration and bad breath. On top of that, he allows one or two passengers to rest a quarter of their backsides on his seat as well.

13.  However, the most dangerous one of all is the sleeper who has obviously not had a full night’s rest, or is a snorer suffering from sleep apnoea. There was this time when the auto kept rocking from side to side. When I glanced in the mirror, there was Rip Van Winkle, busy taking his forty winks. Horrified to see his head falling onto his chest every time he nodded off, I got off much before my destination as I had no intention of meeting my Maker, post-haste.


1 4.  The speedster takes the cake and the whole bakery for achieving Olympic goals on a landscape that is most un-Olympic. He starts off with a huge jerk that almost propels you out, then proceeds along a zigzag path, going into potholes with breakneck speed. Adroitly he manoeuvres his way out of them, as every bone in your body rattles in protest. He swerves, cuts through traffic like a warm knife through butter, and cuts corners that don’t even exist. By the end, you thank your stars that you have not gone through the roof of the auto and been propelled to outer space.


Surendra

Youngisthan.in

15. The steeper is a thirsty man. Fifty yards into the journey, he turns around brightly, saying, “Tea, Madam?” Before you realize that he is not offering you a cuppa, he jumps off with alacrity, and steeps himself in a steaming hot cup of tea at his favourite tea stall, leaving you feeling as bereft as a deserted island. (If islands had feelings, that is!)

1 6.  The mobile phone is a very useful instrument, you would concede. However, imagine your plight when you are running against time and the driver’s phone keeps jangling to the most raucous music, and he picks it up every single time, still driving merrily over bumps, potholes and bystanders’ toes. At one stage, you tell him to stop using the phone, and he does stop. Not the phone, but the vehicle! Then he turns around, all cheery and says, “Madam, please, one minute!” Next, he starts messaging the person involved. For want of a better word, I should term him a tweeter, I guess!







twitter

17.      The weeper looks at you with large, melancholy eyes, waiting for the slightest hint of interest on your part. The moment he senses that you are ready for a sob story, the dam breaks and he buttonholes you, embroidering his tale with details that would depress even the most optimistic. 

So, there you have it – the whole gamut of auto drivers who populate not only God’s Own Country, but the whole of India as well. God bless them all! :)
  




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Author's Note: I am taking my Alexa rank to the next level with Blogchatter. Do go through my posts and do feel free to let me know how you feel. Thank you. #DeepTiesWrites

#DeepTiesWrites #MyFriendAlexa

Comments

  1. Hahaha....I completely enjoyed reading your experience and the descriptions of the kinds of auto drivers..I know Chennai auto drivers are indeed a pain! A hilarious and entertaining post :D

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    1. Thank you so much, Meenakshi! This topic has been on my mind for quite some time now! :)

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    1. Thank you so much, Jaya! Your comment has made my day! :)

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  3. Very nice reading. Excellent observations.

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    1. Thank you so much, Shri Krishna Sharma. Your comment is so heartening.

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  4. A hilarious post. I shall recommend the keeper any day. You described idiosyncrasies of autodrivers so beautifully.

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    1. Abhijit, thank you ever so much. Your comment is so heartwarming! :)

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  5. Hilarious but the observations are bang on!

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    1. Thank you, Puspanjaalee! :) I am thrilled.

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  6. Excellent observations and brilliant write up.

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    1. Jyotirmoy, you just made my day! Thank you. :)

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  7. I had a smile on my face throughout. Loved it

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    1. Milan, I have a smile on my face, reading your comment! Thank you. :D

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  8. I loved your post. I had a big smile all through. Once I sat in an Auto and I had a cribber. He cribbed about how the potholes and speed brakers ruin his auto.

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    1. Shubra, thank you for making me smile as well. I can so imagine the scenario. Thank you for reading my piece. :D

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  9. All that and we still cannot get over auto rickshaws! Enjoyed every bit of it while reading this brilliant humour filled post.

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    1. Thank you ever so much for your lovely comment, thoughts thru lens! It has made my day! :)

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  10. This was super engaging to read. Hilarious!
    #MyFriendAlexa #literarylehareads

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    1. Thank you so much, Leha! I am thrilled that you enjoyed my piece! :)

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